The Doctor's Drug Addiction
by redonyellow
Summary: The Doctor's dirty habit puts an entire planet in danger


Amy and Rory were woken up by a screaming Doctor.

"Where is it?" he demanded. "Where have you taken it? I've know one of you have stolen it. Or maybe it was both of you!"

Amy and Rory looked at each other, bewildered. Then Amy asked, "Stolen what Doctor?"

"You know what!" the Doctor stated. Then, to test their veracity, he pointed his sonic screwdriver at them and said, "Tell me that you're telling the truth."

The couple looked even more confused, but they again told the Doctor that they didn't steal anything.

The Doctor looked at his screwdriver and concluded, "So you were telling the truth. The sonic screwdriver can function as a lie detector, you know. Well, if you didn't take it, that means that I'm fucked."

"Didn't take what?" Amy asked, growing irritated.

"A little blue box," the Doctor said, as he began to pace the floor in an agitated state.

"You think someone has stolen the Tardis?" Amy asked, beginning to wonder if the Doctor had completely lost his mind.

"No not the Tardis!" the Doctor shouted. "It's a box, about the size of a shoe box. I keep important things in it."

"Doctor, why don't you just tell us what's in the box, and why it's so important to you," Rory suggested, "and maybe then we can help you find it."

"Drugs! Alright!" the Doctor blurted out, "I keep my drugs in it!"

Amy and Rory stared at the Doctor, incredulous for a moment, not knowing what to say. It was hard to come to terms with the fact that the man they had admired for so long was a junkie.

Amy just shook her head and muttered, "Doctor…"

"You try it," the Doctor proclaimed defensively. "You try living for centuries, causing harm to countless people—including your entire race and even your closest friends and companions. You try living like that and keep a smiling face every day. So, I turned to drugs. It was the only way I could keep up waking in the morning.

"That is so sad," Rory said. Then he commented, "but, it explains so much."

"What kind of drugs did you take?" Amy asked, concerned. "Meth? Crack? PCP?"

"Cavanian Cocaine," the Doctor said, "It can only be found on the Cavan planet. It's marvelous really. The drug glitters like diamonds, and comes in a multitude of colors. The aliens on that world hibernate half the year, so it's important that you get a large enough supply to last you a while. But fortunately, the high from the drug is so intense that it can last for years. The last time I took it was," the Doctor stopped to gasped, "The last time I took it was with Rose Tyler. We were fucking on the dashboard of the Tardis, and I suggested that we take CC for a more intense orgasm. Rose must have stolen the drugs after we fucked. I bet she did it! Rose loved drugs!"

The Doctor rushed to the dashboard of the Tardis and began pushing buttons.

"Where are you doing, Doctor?" Amy asked.

"To Cavan," the Doctor said, "I need a new supply or I'll start experiencing withdrawal symptoms. Those can be really bad. Damn it!" The Doctor grabbed the bow tie around his neck and ripped it off. "This thing is choking me. I hate bow ties."

Rory and Amy looked at each other nervously. The Doctor was starting to look like a complete stranger to them.

"If the Cavanians hibernate for half the year, how do you expect to talk to them?" Amy asked. "Won't they all be asleep?"

"There's always at least one awake to run communications. I'll simply ask him if he has an emergency supply of cocaine for me."

And that was exactly what the Doctor did when he arrived at the planet Cavan. He contacted the alien in charge of communications from his Tardis and talked to him from the view screen.

"Ah, Doctor," the Cavanian said, "One of our best customers. Unfortunately, our entire supply of drugs had been sold out. You will have to return at the beginning of the year, as usual."

"You don't understand," the Doctor pleaded. "This is an emergency."

"I'm sorry, Doctor, but there is nothing I can do."

"Now, you listen to me, you motherfucker," the Doctor said. "I don't care if you have to look under every single rock on your pathetic planet – you will find me some cocaine, or I will wipe your little world from your solar system with my torpedoes."

"Doctor, please, reconsider!" the alien begged.

"You have fifteen minutes to comply. I don't have time for this shit."

The Doctor shut off the view screen. Amy and Rory backed away from him slowly.

Rory said, barely above a whisper, "I didn't even know that the Tardis had weapons."

"We'll, I rarely had to use them," the Doctor said, "I hate that I have to use them now, but he's being such a dick to me."

Rory nodded in agreement, not wanting the Doctor to be cross with him.

"You call me the 'oncoming storm,'" the Doctor said as he paced the floor and looked at the countdown on the wall. There were five minutes left. "You don't know what a storm is until you fuck with me."

"Doctor, you don't want to do this," Amy said. Rory grabbed her hand and tried to pull her back, but she kept approaching the Doctor. "You don't want to kill those people. You need help. Why don't you stop that count down and check yourself into rehab."

"Don't worry, Amy" the Doctor said, "They'll come to their senses and give me the drugs. They'll give in. Just wait. And if they don't, they have it coming for denying me my cocaine."

"But Doctor," Amy said, "if you destroy their planet, you'll never be able to come here to get drugs again."

The Doctor thought about this, and then nodded his head, "Fuck, that's actually a good point."

He looked at the clock. Two minutes left before the computer sent the torpedo.

"Maybe I shouldn't destroy the planet completely," the Doctor said. "Maybe, if I just wiped out half the population, that would teach them a lesson. And the ones that I would let live would know to always keep drugs on hand for when the Doctor asks."

"Doctor!" Rory said, "I found a box with glitter inside! Are these your drugs?"

The Doctor snatched the box from Rory's hands, and then took a big snort of the glittery cocaine. He sighed contentedly.

"Yes, Rory, yes. These are my drugs. Thank you, boy. That's much, much, **_much_** better. You can't see this right now, but the entire room as this beautiful soft glow to it. The colors are so intense. Do you want to try so you can see what I see?"

"NO, NO," Rory said quickly, "Thanks, but no thanks."

The Doctor felt around his neck. "My bowtie is missing," he said. "Where is my bowtie? I can't lose my bowtie! Bowties are cool."

"You threw it across the room, Doctor," Amy said, breathing a sigh of relief.

"Thank you, girl," the Doctor said as he fetched it from the floor and put it back on its rightful place on his neck. "Now where would you kids like to go? I can take you to any place you want in time or space! Why don't we go to-"

The Doctor was interrupted by the sound of an explosion. The torpedo had fired from the Tardis and had obliterated the planet Cavan completely.

The Doctor's jaw dropped in shock. He said mournfully, "I forgot to turn the weapons systems off. I'm sorry, Cavanians. I'm so sorry."


End file.
